Siren Shell

The reality is that we cannot afford a house here, I’ve been awful at saving. I’ve been ignoring his mom recently after her comments, but the truth is we need her money. She’s just so rude and unpleasant to put up with. I need to get better with saving money.

I am so cooked. Every day, so cooked. I am also super suspicious 🤔. I think I have good reason, and anyways, it keeps me moving forwards. I still have to finish my taxes, debug an issue I have no clue about, finish a certification, and change my winter tires (it’s mid-may).

Why do I come back, lie down, and scroll on social media. Why why why do I give any residual or front-loaded energy I have to the algorithm. Why do I allow it to milk me dry, to widen and deepens my fears and anxiety for the sole purpose of squeezing more attention juice out of me.

Often I am angry, today I am angry because I’m going to bed alone once again but I am ahead in several measures:

• We go on walks now
• We spend more time together
• Things are better between us

Not perfect, but better.

The dissatisfaction I feel, I have to deal with it. I have to find activities that fulfill me and stop trying to rely on things that are easy. Easy things are “easy” because they drain something from you. Someone else set them up for their benefit. The fulfilling things you have to go out and get.

Another weekend filled with chores. This was a maintenance weekend:

• Went out on Friday night w my bf to a restaurant.
• Saw some friends from forever ago
• Went into a hot tub/spa!
• Bag of pierogies!

I am often afraid my romantic life is like this book. Dorian fell in love with this broke, beautiful, talented, young actress. He proposed to her. She expressed relief at this because it meant she could stop acting and relax, it was desperation all along. Well, this horrified Dorian and he cancelled the engagement. This actress then killed herself. Not for the dramatic ending but I played instruments beautifully and I stopped when I moved in with my bf because I felt I could process my emotions and save $. This was on a subconscious level of course but I can feel my bf falling out of ❤️ with me and realize that we might not be a good match.

This month I dealth with a job change into a neck-breaking, fast-moving team. A 36 hour ER visit with my boyfriend where he was having stroke-light symptoms and I legitimately thought he was fading away. He started feeling sick again yesterday and my fears came back while I was on the first day of my period and a nervous wreck running around shopping for him, cooking for him, and trying to create a stress-free environment for him. Not easy with his psychotic sister and mother. My job has been breathing down my neck to finish a certification that I am now 2 weeks behind on. My car has something very wrong with it, I smell fuel and I just dropped it off for a $500 appointment. It’s amazing that I am still upright.

Having a thin shell separate you from the outdoors, especially at night, really forces you to look at things differently. I honestly hate camping. I enjoy the day, hate the night. My boyfriend is very adventurous and I am the opposite, I cling to my comfort zone for dear life.

I’ve only felt safe when I moved out with my boyfriend, into our shared apartment. I didn’t realize I was in survival mode this entire time. As soon as we lived together my body screamed that I am not ok with being disrespected at home, and made me leave that environment. It made me see a reality that was there the entire time, disguised to preserve my survival.

I think that I still am in survival mode, but I am in an elevated survival mode. I felt like I had to re-learn who I was because I was doing things to survive, not because I actually liked them. I had no feelings, I was numb. Being a programmer who works remotely is both helping and stalling my personal growth because I’ve gotten so comfortable here.

My boyfriend has an opposite situation, his mother is overbearing so I believe he only feels free when he is doing something remote so that she cannot reach him, and dangerous so that he feels he has a bit of power over his life.

The problem with this is I only feel safe with my boyfriend in a nice house, I hate everything else. This is not good either, and I am aware. I am slowly working on this. I would spend any amount of $ to feel safe and not to have to be dependent on the people who hurt me again.

For me doing dangerous and remote things feels like I am risking my life/health/ability to earn money and might lose my freedom doing so, tumbling back into my prior situation. Safety also feels so nice, it’s truly such an amazing feeling. Feeling unsafe just reminds me of the way I felt everyday.

I keep telling myself it wasn’t that bad, and maybe it wasn’t, but I had to go to the bathroom at my parents and realized the lock didn’t work. Well I had a deeply emotional reaction where I was absolutely petrified. Isn’t that valid? Am I inventing things? I don’t think so. Anyways.

It’s not because I try or want to (or can for that matter) seduce men to their doom, I am in a great relationship with my soulmate.

I just relate to the mythology in other ways. I play instruments, the siren sings. I love water, swimming especially.

I mainly relate or am interested in the way women’s stories are hidden in mythology. When mental health could not be talked about openly, these myths communicated them.

I also feel like I’ve been hidden away most of my life. I don’t come out much. Don’t leave my forest and am uncomfortable out of my element.

My boyfriend also saved me from some watery depths.

I also like to code, that part is self-explanatory.

I didn’t have supper with my boyfriend’s mother. In this situation I found that he does not have supper with her either and she gets upset. Emotionally, I cannot have supper with her every day. I feel bad. If she wants him to spend time with her she has to make him food. I tried to help her with this daily but it ended up being too much. It’s an entire daily ritual. I got upset because I have no wedding ring, he is not my husband and yet I sacrificed 20 hours a week to make her happy. I stopped, and she suffers, not him.

I want a real family. I do like her, but if we break up this time would just evaporate.

Everyone wants my time now. I have to be rude to protect it. I didn’t take care of myself enough and erupted on my boyfriend. My father was like this. He wouldn’t take time for himself and he would be abusive to everyone around him. I look up to him a lot but I don’t want these habits.

Anyways I’ve started to stand up for myself. It’s difficult and I am not sure our relationship will survive this because I’ve gone with the flow for so long but we will see.